Fighting Fair

Rather than just sticking to the facts and make yet another article about how to resolve conflict and fight appropriately with your significant other, I will share a personal anecdote of our last fight.

It started well before the words started flying.  Doesn't it always?  I mean, what actually started the argument was something so stupid.  He interrupts me.  I hate that.  It wasn't just this one time, it is a consistent pattern and I was already "up to here" with it.  He sat down beside me to discuss our finances, which lately is a rather sticky topic anyway.  Every time I opened my mouth to say something, I was unable to finish.  And rather indelicately, I began yelling at him because, if you recall, I was "up to here" about it.

Naturally, my Beloved assumed I was getting angry because of the topic of discussion (which I wasn't... honestly) and things naturally progressed from there and he started yelling at me, getting really close to my face and, horror of horrors, touched my face while he was yelling two inches from me.  Well, that just blew my lid off... he better NOT touch me when he's angry because that just highlights my distrust of anyone when I am in that situation.

Then came the mocking and laughing and taunting and "I'm stronger than you are" which doesn't allow me to have any space to calm down and think rationally.  What to do?

If you're sticking to the "how to fight fair" topic, we both failed miserably for several reasons.  First, we have very opposing views on what is acceptable during a fight, which (even at this time) are unresolved; but even more than that, of those things which we can agree upon, we lost our cools collectively and let things get really personal and started yelling.

Recently, a friend of mine helped me think of a picture that will help me keep myself reined in when being provoked.  My picture to help me (which is different for everyone) is that of a board room to keep the professionalism present.  I was raised in a sterile environment and was not encouraged to use or express any emotion and when I worked in the outside world (as opposed to being a stay-at-home mom), I was quite comfortable with my role as an employee and showing decorum in a professional setting.  You would never yell and scream at your boss, right?

Anyway, the board room in my head will be attended by our two sweet boys.  If I have my children watching, I will be so much more motivated to watch what I say to their father and how I say it.  Keeping things in a quiet tone are supposed to help keep things calm rather than heightening everything.  That is my goal.  If we can actually do that and talk about our issues at the same time, BONUS POINTS.  Most likely, though, it will just be a segue into setting a time to discuss the initial topic later when we're both ready for it.

My goal before our next big fight, which is scheduled for sometime early next year (possibly between February and April 2013), is to study and learn different tools to help me, at the very least, keep my end of our "fight" sterile and calm.  Learning to use my tools can only happen if I have tools to begin with.

Until next time, keep the peace as much as is possible with you and learn to "fight fairly" for the sake of others.

Motherhood: The Greatest Job on Earth?

... or the easiest, according to my beloved husband (when he's not being his usually sensitive self)?

Can I just be honest for a second?  I know this is the "season of joy and peace" and all that other nice, cushy sentiment, but right smack dab in the middle of our celebratory week, I'm having a terrible day.  I know, how cheery of me.

It all began this morning.  The boys woke up at 6:30 to have breakfast with their Dad.  Now, before you start berating me about how that's such a wonderful time and your children all woke up at 3:00 a.m. all dewy-eyed and beautiful, that's not how my experience with motherhood began with the boys so I am still adjusting to this phenomenon. Besides, when they wake up that early, the rest of their schedule is off for the entire day and possibly even the next few days.  So, back off!

After my Beloved left for work, the boys started the cocophany of bickering and sniping back and forth, culminating with Jonah's peircing screams.  Of course, they were at the Christmas tree "touching" ornaments and discussing who would get to eat the candy canes.  Mama Bear came out from the den with her hair raised in terrifying proportions, growling that they better knock it off before she started knocking heads together.  So, they calmed down... in my dreams.

I decided to sit down in my recliner and supervise until I woke up.  Then the arguing and snatching started with their lego rocket/submarine/spaceships (yes, they are convertible transformer-type air/watercraft, which makes them especially coveted).  "Jeremiah, leave your brother's legos alone.  He can make it however he wants."  "But Mama, he's not doing it right.  Here.  I'll just show you."  **piercing screams**  "JEREMIAH!  LEAVE HIM ALONE!! It's NOT YOURS."  *Huff*

Okay, that minor catastrophe averted... for now.  Okay, boys.  I need to read my Bible.  Now, that's gotta impress them.  Mama is going to spend time with God and everything shall be as it is meant to be.

Ahhhhhh....

Hmmmm....

"Mama, Jooosh peeese"

Maybe if I don't answer him, he'll go away.  Oh crap, here's the other one.

"Yeah, Mama.  Can I have some juice, too, please?"

"Okay, fine.  Let's get some juice.  Once I sit back down, though, you're on your own.  Play nicely.  I get to read my Bible and spend time with God.  In peace.  Alone.  Got it?"

Okay, that's done.  Now, where was I?

"Mama, look!  Watch me!"

Ignore.

"Mama, did you see what I built?"

"Jeremiah... this is MY time with God.  Please just play."  "Jonah, stop touching the tree." "Get out of my room."  "Sit down! You just threw a block at your brother."  "Stop pinching him, he's on time-out."  "Just be quiet!!!  I'M TRYING TO READ MY FREAKING BIBLE!!!" (Yes, that last one was a word-for-word quote from mother dearest).

Now, if that just doesn't warm God's heart to hear me screaming at my children because I'm trying to read my Bible, I don't know what will.  What better example to show to my children than a mother who is cranky and irritable and screams because she's going to "spend time with God."

Might as well just throw in the Mommy-towel right now.

It didn't get much better from there, either.  My son lied to me... again.  What am I supposed to do?  Spank him?  Again?  I'm tired.  I'm a failure.  I don't know how to reach him.  They just are not getting along and are not listening to me (as though, that's something new).  I did what any other sane mother would do in that situation.  I cried.  I talked to my child and cried.

So, he cried.

I think he just felt bad that Mama was crying.  Does a 4-year-old really understand the seriousness of lying and how trust is now broken?  Maybe.  But, he has a sinful, rebellious heart that has not, yet, been touched by the Holy Spirit.  Oh, how I pray it does.  Soon.

Rather than fight the natural forces of sinful children, I did the only thing I could think of.

We watched tv.  All morning.  So there.



----  Almost lunchtime  ----

We're still watching tv.  The boys have been quiet.  Once incident when I went out to get the mail where Jonah was tempted by a talking snake and stole the candy cane off the tree and offered some to his brother.

When talking with a two-year-old about sin, be very careful how you phrase things.  I told Jonah that he stole my candy, that before he takes some, he has to ask.  So, he very sweetly (and stickily) asked me "Mama, tandy peeese??"

Jeremy called me about buying some eggs from a local farmer and told me that I'm not really a failure.  Can't tell you how much that lifted my spirits.

Now, I have to go.  Jonah has bonked his head for the 5th time this morning.  More crying.

My day of tears has only begun.

Sharing Sinful Secrets

Our computer crashed again.  The hard drives kicked us off because our version of XP decided that we need to register again... and since our code had been scraped off the bottom of my computer, we were unable to complete that transaction.  My mighty beloved utilized his skills of persuasion with Microsoft customer service--the best contradiction of terms ever because they don't service their customers--and convinced them he would be a huge pain because he planned on calling them repeatedly until they gave him a new code.  YEA, he succeeded. All that to say, being away from the computer for two days has been difficult... strange as it sounds, I actually missed being able to write.  It is a good outlet for me, apparently, and I plan to continue.

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"If I can easily discuss the shortcomings and the sins of any; if I can speak in a casual way even of a child's misdoings, then I know nothing of Calvary love." --Amy Carmichael

Now, I don't know about you, but having two children who daily misbehave and try the soul, it sometimes seems as though I am eager to explode and tell my beloved of their exploits the second he walks in the door at night.  Should I be this eager to unload myself and bare my boys' dirty laundry for public consumption, even if it is only to their father?

"Babe, Jeremiah teased his brother and he was disrespectful to me all day and then I had to run up and down the stairs a MILLION times during his nap because he refused to sleep."  Is it really necessary to have a running commentary from the entire day?  I certainly understand needing a father to be aware of his son's need for special training when it comes to treating his mother with respect and just giving that extra boost of fatherly encouragement, but how much should remain private especially when I, as the mother, have already dealt with the problem and presumably forgiven him for his sins?

I am guilty of this.  Terribly guilty.  When I have had my "H-E-double hockey-sticks" of a day, there is nothing better than being able to rid myself of that stress by sharing it all. But there also needs to be redemption for my son.  He does not deserve to have his sins dragged out after he's been told "I forgive you, I love you".  Privately speaking to my husband when the children have gone to bed maybe appropriate, but I must remember to consider my children first.  They are my fragile flowers.  They are beginning to bloom and if I put all the weight of their sins on their shoulders repeatedly after I've already, supposedly, forgiven them, they will, first, begin to not trust me and second, and most importantly, think that God continually holds their sins against them and will not forget them either.

How do you wish your children to see God?  I will tell you a secret... how you treat them is how they view God.  If you are unforgiving and angry about their sin, they will see God as unloving and mean and hateful.  If you forgive them and help them learn to talk to God after their sin and ask forgiveness of Him as well, they will begin to see that God forgives when they ask.

Please, Mothers, forgive your children and never bring it up (in front) to them again.  Forgive and love... show them the mercy God shows you.  I will also be striving toward that goal.  My children deserve it and so does God (since I am grossly misrepresenting His character when I disobey).

Until next time, love your children and give them all extra snuggles.

Later in the day...

Since writing about the plans I had for my day to celebrate my beloved's birthday, I must confess that as fuzzy as it all sounded it immediately went south for winter.  Oh, I don't mean my plans changed, rather my attitude.  Just after pressing "Publish Post", my voice changed into the dulcet tones of a banshee.  For those of you who don't know, a banshee, as defined by our dear Webster, is a female (that portion applies) spirit (not so much) in Gaelic folklore whose wailing (there was some of that) warns a family that one of them (focused primarily on my son, Jeremiah) will die soon.  Actually, I wasn't doing so much of wailing, but screaming in earnest that something better change or, in the words of my beloved's mother, "There will be a death in the family."

I mean, seriously, it is snowing outside and it is breezing cold (yes, "breezing" was meant to imply another adjective) and he is refusing to wear his hat.  I finally said, in a fit of temper, "FINE! DON'T WEAR IT," and I snatched it off his head.  Then, of course, his brain twitched and said "Wait, I WANT my hat... don't take it away from me"... a perfect example of reverse psychology, but unfortunately that hadn't been my intent since I'm really not that intelligent when I'm angry.  So I keep taking it back from him and saying he can't have it and I finally stomp out of the house (very gracefully) and slam the door (angelically) saying he gets to stay home alone.

I know, I know... you don't have to tell me that it is illegal to keep a 4-year-old home in the kennel with the dog unsupervised (like I actually keep him in the kennel supervised??) or even that it is a mean-spirited action to make a child think you'll leave him behind.  But can't I act like a child every now and then?  Okay, fine.. I know I shouldn't; but it is so tempting when all I get is whining about how he doesn't want to wear a hat and then as soon as I give him what he wants, he wants what he can't have.

We did reconcile.  He chased me out of the house and I explained (calmly, this time) that he needs to trust me, because wasn't the hat a good idea after all?  I'm not about to make him do something that isn't good for him.. I only want to take care of him because he's my boy.

"How much more will your Father who is in heaven  give good things to those who ask Him?" (Matt. 7:11b)