Rather than just sticking to the facts and make yet another article about how to resolve conflict and fight appropriately with your significant other, I will share a personal anecdote of our last fight.
It started well before the words started flying. Doesn't it always? I mean, what actually started the argument was something so stupid. He interrupts me. I hate that. It wasn't just this one time, it is a consistent pattern and I was already "up to here" with it. He sat down beside me to discuss our finances, which lately is a rather sticky topic anyway. Every time I opened my mouth to say something, I was unable to finish. And rather indelicately, I began yelling at him because, if you recall, I was "up to here" about it.
Naturally, my Beloved assumed I was getting angry because of the topic of discussion (which I wasn't... honestly) and things naturally progressed from there and he started yelling at me, getting really close to my face and, horror of horrors, touched my face while he was yelling two inches from me. Well, that just blew my lid off... he better NOT touch me when he's angry because that just highlights my distrust of anyone when I am in that situation.
Then came the mocking and laughing and taunting and "I'm stronger than you are" which doesn't allow me to have any space to calm down and think rationally. What to do?
If you're sticking to the "how to fight fair" topic, we both failed miserably for several reasons. First, we have very opposing views on what is acceptable during a fight, which (even at this time) are unresolved; but even more than that, of those things which we can agree upon, we lost our cools collectively and let things get really personal and started yelling.
Recently, a friend of mine helped me think of a picture that will help me keep myself reined in when being provoked. My picture to help me (which is different for everyone) is that of a board room to keep the professionalism present. I was raised in a sterile environment and was not encouraged to use or express any emotion and when I worked in the outside world (as opposed to being a stay-at-home mom), I was quite comfortable with my role as an employee and showing decorum in a professional setting. You would never yell and scream at your boss, right?
Anyway, the board room in my head will be attended by our two sweet boys. If I have my children watching, I will be so much more motivated to watch what I say to their father and how I say it. Keeping things in a quiet tone are supposed to help keep things calm rather than heightening everything. That is my goal. If we can actually do that and talk about our issues at the same time, BONUS POINTS. Most likely, though, it will just be a segue into setting a time to discuss the initial topic later when we're both ready for it.
My goal before our next big fight, which is scheduled for sometime early next year (possibly between February and April 2013), is to study and learn different tools to help me, at the very least, keep my end of our "fight" sterile and calm. Learning to use my tools can only happen if I have tools to begin with.
Until next time, keep the peace as much as is possible with you and learn to "fight fairly" for the sake of others.
